Reclaiming Something
Today feels much better than the days before.
For a while, I’ve been experiencing a persistent low mood and unexplainable sadness. I’m quite certain it’s related to my work, although I can’t precisely describe what about it is causing these feelings. I don’t think it is one dramatic incident. It feels more like an accumulation of small things: pressure, responsibility, uncertainty, and the feeling that work has slowly taken up too much space in my identity.
Last weekend felt particularly heavy. It should have been a perfect time to rest at home, guilt-free, but I was mentally and emotionally preoccupied by this nagging sense that something was wrong.
All vibe no strain
I told my boyfriend that I am having really dark thoughts about my work, and I am really thankful to have his support in this. Not dark thoughts in the sense that I wanted to harm myself, but dark in the sense that I felt trapped, discouraged, and unable to imagine continuing this way. My unhealthy instinct to associate my work with everything else in my life is hard to break. It’s comforting to hear him say explicitly that he’d be supportive of me regardless of what I choose to do with these troubling feelings at work.
On Monday, yesterday, I woke up much earlier than my alarm at 6.30am. I had only 5-ish hours of sleep, which is very uncharacteristic of me, and it points to only one thing: something is stressing me even though I cannot identify it yet.
I told my sister about it when we had lunch. I was almost going to cry over the beef pho we were having, but I didn’t.
It’s sad to hear that she has also felt this way before multiple times, and in fact, she seems to be currently in the same headspace. Maybe I’ve just been in the melancholic mood a lot, therefore it is sad to me. Interestingly, she is able to keep up with a high level of productivity, but I simply cannot.
The only thing that comforts me is to focus on other areas of my life outside of work.
I am actually unable to differentiate now if I’m simply indulging in escapism or if I am finding a way out of this rut. I don’t have the answer yet. Maybe it is a bit of both. Maybe sometimes escapism is the first doorway back to yourself.
This morning, I woke up with renewed lightness. Maybe also because yesterday, I got an email from the office that my personal website was approved to remain “personal”, as opposed to being “for business”. I’m really feeling a lot of this reclaim-my-life energy, like I want some separation from work and I want to work on other things!
I have a few things on the horizon now.
I have signed up for a 60-hour Yin Yoga training, which is happening in June. I’ve ordered a new camera! I got the Sony ZV1 Mii, which I will be picking up at the airport when I depart for Korea next week. I’ve also ordered extra batteries and SD card adaptors.
I’ve been noticing myself developing an aversion towards my mobile phone. It feels social. And I don’t want to be reminded of what’s on my phone all the time. Sometimes I just want to explore my creativity and ideas and recollections of memories. That’s what this new camera is gonna do for me, and I’m very excited.
Other than that, I’ve also had some ideas to pursue yoga and health coaching more seriously. More seriously would mean starting a training course on integrative nutrition and repeating my 200-hour yoga teacher training with a studio I feel drawn to.
Integrative nutrition was something which I had revisited many times throughout my adult life. Somewhere deep inside, I’m still the same girl who’s fascinated by applied sciences. I was delighted when I checked in on the course fee and found that it’s actually “affordable” now! I remember finding it really out of reach in the past when I was younger, and this really made me feel comforted in a strange way. Like it gave me a measure to properly see how far I’ve come.
Learning about integrative nutrition and health coaching is probably going to be a tough project and I may not make money out of it. Actually, same for yoga. But I concluded that even if it never made me a single cent, these are subjects where my curiosity kept leading me to. I think they are the things which I need, maybe? Like how if I had never first become a wealth manager, I may never have developed such a strong grasp of personal finance, given my nature.
But having said that, I also didn’t want to be too rash with it. Being quick to lock myself into a decision is my toxic trait, I realize. While most people struggle with analysis paralysis, I’m quick to cut off options so as to have less to analyze about.
So I’m doing my best due diligence this time. I’ve set two conditions for myself before committing to it:
I must finish reading a book on integrative nutrition before committing to the course.
I must have gone through all of the online materials on the 200-hour teacher training I did in Thailand before I commit to the one with the local studio.
I’m definitely indulging myself a lot now to remember that I exist outside of work. I also find myself quite extra… but if that’s the level of self-care required of me to stay intact, what other choice do I have?
Oh, I’ve recently started making soup with chicken leg and herbs in my lil mini pressure cooker. My boyfriend and I really enjoy having soup in our lil apartment. It’s so homey.
That’s all!
