The Cost of “Applying Myself”

You have so much potential - if only you’d apply yourself.

I’m in the process of identifying all the scripts that run in the background of my consciousness. This one is particularly loud, annoyingly regular, and something I was told by well-meaning adults who love (loved?) me, teachers I respected, and mentors at work.

Early on, it was somewhat motivating, and I bought into it wholeheartedly. I grew up trying hard to “apply myself”; I guess that’s also how I developed some sorta inclination towards the self-help category. At the height of my attempt to “apply myself”… which, come to think of it, maybe I don’t truly know what it means at all since what I did was mainly to “control myself”.

I was once the boss of myself in the worst way. I micromanaged my waking hours in 15-minute periods; I scheduled every single thing, including toilet breaks. I wasn’t particularly harsh on myself or anything; my intention was to alternate between “focus time” and “relaxed time” so I could ultimately complete my tasks.

And that’s how I turned myself into a task-machine, a somewhat inefficient one that’s just good enough to keep up with the demands of work. I even wrote short reports on the work I had done at the end of each day, as if I had to justify that my existence brought value. Or maybe proof that I wasn’t “lazy”. This period lasted less than a year, and it left me completely burnt out.

I soon began to notice my hair was falling out, especially from the front of my hairline. It was so crazy, and I was at one point quite worried that it was a sign of something more serious and was looking out for WIGS already! In October 2022, I cut my hair short so I’d see less of the shedding, then went to see a doctor eventually and took some blood tests to rule out thyroid disorders, and got diagnosed with Telogen Effluvium - it’s basically just hair shedding caused by stress. The doctor described my hair loss as “similar to what many women experience with childbirth”.

I felt mostly relieved, since he said my hair would grow back in a bit. But what have I birthed? A few dozen insurance and investment contracts and made some money along the way is all.

Worth it? That’s a question I still can’t answer… even after 3 years.